“It's good knowing he’s out there. The Dude. Taking ‘er easy for all us sinners”
I’ve felt some degree of (health) anxiety for as long as I can remember.
One of my earliest childhood memories is the expression of intense worry on my mother’s face due to my escalating fever, followed by an electrifying feeling of panic latching onto me, like an angry pirate jumping ship.
Since then and throughout the years, my anxiety took a bunch of violent turns – it did a couple of shitty magic tricks, disappeared for a bit, then dramatically kicked the doors down, returning like an inebriated ex lover finally ready to settle the score. It not only stayed, but also deepened its reach, permanently etching it’s stamp of terror into my lizard brain.
Anxiety became one of the core principles through which I see, and interact with the world.
I realise this may sound a tiny bit tragic, but I’ve come to realise that some cliches do hold true – there is no possibility of healing without coming clean with yourself first. And any psychotherapist worth his/her licence will tell you that chronic anxiety isn’t exactly a jock itch; it’s a lifelong condition that you learn (or don’t learn) to live with…
Through years of therapy, meditation and above all, (re)discovery of self-love I didn’t even know still flickered somewhere down below, I learned to accept, and even appreciate my particular struggle.
Okay, so I know what you’re thinking right about now… you’re thinking you’re one paragraph away from me selling you some kind of half baked bullshit self help book that’s “going to save your life.” Don’t you worry about a thing, darling.
I didn’t start this blog to play at Doctor Phil for a couple of pages, then bail, leaving you feeling worse than before. I’m not trying to sell anything. I’m not a mental health professional, and I certainly don’t have an Expeliarmus that would make your anxiety disappear.
What I do have is my own experience. And that’s what I’m sharing with you on these pages.
Because even with all its plentiful manifestations of panic and dejection, if there's one defining trait to anxiety, it's that it makes you feel completely alone.
But you’re not.
Laugh or cry about it if you will, but there’s literally millions of us “hypo” brothers and sisters out there, united in this very complicated and very human mess. I’m simply one of those – a 34-year old lad with a shaved head, a 70’s porn flick moustache, and a bigass suitcase full of issues.
So above all else, this blog is trying to be a place of comfort, designed to remind you that even in your darkest hour, there’s many people who’ve been there before… and made it out.
And so will you.